Agree to disagree!
Tiny little hands and feet. Cute humming and cooing filling the silent house. The best foot, hand and body put forward , all for the little one. Well well there is so much happening in the house after the arrival of the little one. It takes a while before the overwhelming feelings sink in.
It is said every new relationship needs lots of time and energy for it to work. In the initial days of the first year there is definitely a dearth of these two. The journey from love laced couple to a new parent takes far from those happy and cute pictures on the social media.
The immense demand posed in the initial days takes a toll on the physical and mental well being of the parents. The mothers go through a healing body and the postpartum challenges. The fathers have to deal with the mother and the baby and often feel left out as the baby becomes the highest priority.
An obvious consequence of this transition is increased stress levels. The couples start arguing over small issues. The constant nagging in the house creates an unhealthy atmosphere. Both husband and wife know that there is so much to be done both in and out for the baby yet they vent out by snapping at each other. An unwarranted form of expression.Isn’t it?
I know one mother, for instance who was so sleep deprived that she was unable to prepare meals on time. When her husband did offer to help, she hushed him away citing him as knowing less about cooking.It is this hard core conditioning of the women that often let’s them want to do it all!
As my child enters her second year, we have definitely gotten over the shock of new parenthood. I have realised that our arguments have the same underlying concern which is the well being of our baby girl. It took us a while to get there but we finally agreed to disagree to maintain our sanity.
A very common scene leading to a goodnight scene in our house is as follows. As a mother I am a believer of following the baby routine to the T and hence I dim the lights and read books to my toddler so that she drifts off to sleep. However my husband has other plans. After having worked an entire day and not spending enough time with both his girls he fills the room with a playful energy. This obviously charges my little girl and she evades sleep. And before we know it, a verbal spat ensues!
A friend of mine once told me that her husband was not supportive to her idea of sleep training the baby. She wanted to let the baby cry it out and sleep while she would only cuddle and caress and not feed the little one.Her partner was bothered by the wailing baby and assumed it caused the baby agony and no comfort. In this scenario again they both fought, with the baby being their prime concern.
As a parent with some experience I have realised there is mostly a tiff about food, sleep and discipline around the kid. So the question becomes how does the couple then make sure they don’t lose themselves in the process?
Below are some of the common scenarios leading to arguments and how they can be dealt with:
1.There are no date nights but family time: A date night after the baby is unimaginable. But there is always room to spend time together. Go out for those evening/night walks by making the baby sit in its pram and enjoy each other’s company without worrying.
2. Intimacy after the baby goes for a toss: Yes yes we all know how a tiny being takes up the space in your life.Due to biological and hormonal changes women feel touched out. Even men feel the pressure and burn out. Intimacy is very important for the husband and wife. It might seem impossible to regain the earlier chemistry but it is never too late to restart. Hug it out and engage in pillow talks to bring back the fading marital lustre.
3.Resentment:New mothers feel overburndened for natural reasons, of course the father cannot feed the baby in the night. This leads to loneliness and feeling a loss of identity in some. Why don’t you start by waking your husband and talking it out to him. He will be happy to lean in.
4.Me time: Your husband has had a rough week at work and then the atmosphere at home has not really helped him much. Dear ladies allow your men to unwind, let him enjoy that weekend biking trip or a Friday night party with his boys. You can fix a get together with your girls, even better call over your mommie friends and talk. Dance and enjoy the virgin mohito if nothing else!
5.Communicate as a team:We all know conflicts are unavoidable when you live together. Especially couples fight owing to their different parenting styles. Ladies let the father do his bit, don’t be a motherhood gatekeeper and guide him at every step. If you feel burdened, speak about it instead of taunting. Men prefer to be told what you need. Dear men be a little patient, your friends are coming to meet the baby, please clear the house instead of expecting all from the wife.
As a parent still in the learning process we have our share of ups and down. We both express our displeasure. But we always come back after a fight and make it up. Remember to keep each other over and above. The babies are no doubt your biggest investment and they will test your patience. However sooner or later these birds will fly out of the nest to fend for themselves and it is then that you will have the most of each other again.
Until then hang in there. Choose each other everyday, choose to be a family and choose love ❤